Friday Blues

It's Friday, and i'm supposed to be happy because the weekends are coming... But... as it turns out, it is not so. Why? Maybe because i heard my friend's problem. Last night i had a talk with Alvin, and about what i will not tell. But after i heard what he said, i feel very sad but lucky at the same time.

Sadness i felt because i never imagined that he would be carrying such a burden. And at the same time i very much admire his strength in keeping up with his life and smiling when he's so loaded down by such things.

I felt lucky because I'm glad i'm not given a sensitive heart like Alvin's. Maybe it's the difference in our upbringing. I am taught to not show weakness, and basically never cry in front of anybody. And that made me somewhat introverted, and at the same time unbalanced. Therefore i give people the impression that i'm insensitive and inconsiderate, and people think that i am a rock, haha. An email that Alvin read to me through the phone about horoscopes, i think it's quite accurate. So sad, haha.

On the other hand, Alvin is taught to show his emotions. To laugh when he's happy, to cry when he feels sad. He shows his emotions, and it shows his sensitive side. For the courage to show his emotions i admire a lot, because it is something i cannot do. Something i do not have the courage to do. That is basically our difference, and maybe that's why he grew up to be a sunny, healthy boy, both mentally and physically.

But last night, i am quite glad to be brought up the way i am. Which is kind of weird, or it's just because i'm trying to run away from these emotions? I am not as sensitive as he is, nor i know the way to show it. Even if i DO know the way to show it, i don't think i'll be doing anything about it, because it's how i'm built, raised, and taught since i was young.

To me, crying is a sign of weakness, and i try my best to not show any emotions like that in front of people. I feel that it makes people think i am weak, but at the same time i am aware that it may make me seem cruel as well. I cry a lot when i was young, but since i grew up, the instances reduced by a lot. Now, i seldom cry, or even barely. The only time i remember crying in front of someone was at night, in my car, and it was raining, with a friend beside me when i was talking about myself. Who that friend is i will not tell, or you all will make fun of me, haha.

Emotions, it's a hard thing to understand. And it is hard to control, unless you WANT to control it very much. Just like me and my crying in the past. It was one day when i vowed i would not cry again that my crying slowly reduced. I remember i used to cry every single day when i was in year 1, 2, 3 of primary school. Those days i hate, but somehow miss the most. After those days my crying reduced significantly, although breakdowns still happen once in a while.

After i went to Catholic High School to join junior years of high school, crying instances reduced greatly, cutting down to once a year, or around something like that. And after i went to senior high, my crying stopped. I cried just once for all my senior year, and until now.

So after 10 years, i finally curbed my habit of crying in front of people. And now i believe i will not cry anymore, no matter what happens. Crying was part of my genes, and i isolated it, and removed it. I do not need the sadness emotion, it's useless.

Oh well, at least that's what i think of it anyway. But i believe to Alvin, crying is as normal as laughing to a friend's joke, and i strongly admire him for that. It's what makes him strong, and that's what lets him have a healthy mental condition.

p/s: it's 11.57am, and somehow i feel quite lonely, though i do not know why.